Parenting is Scary

(Pre-post disclaimer:  I'm typing one-handed with an almost-asleep toddler in my lap.  There will probably be quite a few typos.)

Having kids is scary.  I know this, and some days I'm still blindsided by how very true it is.  This week, I'm thinking that my kids will likely be the death of me.

The other night, Richard and I were sitting around talking and Bug was in my lap.  After awhile, he looked up and told me "It's bedtime, Mommy".  This kid will do just about anything to avoid sleep so I was a little surprised, but it had been a busy day and he'd been nodding off for awhile, so I didn't think too much of it.  I put Bug to bed, Richard and I finished our conversation and I stayed up way too late trying to organize and settle my thoughts.  I went to bed at about 3, gave Bug a kiss and eventually fell asleep.  (I'm a really crappy sleeper.  Always have been.)

It was about 5 when Bug started to get really restless.  He was talking in his sleep, which isn't unusual, but he seemed really bothered, too.  I put my arm around him and he was HOT.  This is a child who's really only been sick twice, so I was really surprised that he'd come down with something so quickly, much less a crazy-high fever.  He slept poorly until about 7.  We got up then and he was sleepy again by 8.  We slept until 10:30 and he was sleepy again by noon.  This is how our day went.  It was kind of scary.  At bedtime last night, his temp was 103.5.  We slept poorly and he was still fevered, though not quite as warm, this morning.  He also wasn't quite so lethrgic, though he's obviously still feeling really off.  No complaints of headache or sore throat or tummy issues or anything, thank goodness.

Shortly affter breakfast, I realized that Jillian had been really still for a really long time.  Like, she hadn't moved at all since yesterday afternoon.  Coupled with a handful of other weird things that wouldn't have been troublesome by themselves, I started to worry a little bit.  (Okay, a lot.)  I called my midwife, who seemed concerned.  I tried not to freak out when she asked me to meet her so we could check for a heartbeat.

The next half hour or so - trying to get a still-sick Bug dressed, Richard off to work and then out the door to the birth center - was possibly one of the longest in my life.

I tried to keep in mind that we went through this twice with Bug before he was born.  My midwife said that was good to know and pulled out the sonar.  It had barely touched my stomach when we heard a good strong heartbeat.  I cried.  My midwife almost cried.

She told me that she'd been really concerned when I'd called.  She mentioned that things always seem to come in groups.  That all of the births at the center will be going very well and then someone will hemmorage.  And then the next three people will hemmorage.  That type of thing.  She said that she had just realized that it had been several years since a baby had spontaniously died when I called and it had terrified her.  Thank goodness we weren't the start of that trend.  At least, not today.

I'm stll pretty worked up about it - and quite thankful that Boo has given me few strong, swift kicks this afternoon.  Bug is in my lap, overheated and sleepy and I'm not sure that I'm willing to let go of him at all.